Autumn, Apples & Beer

The begining of Autumn is a wonderful time of year. The heat lets up yet you can still go out with a minimal amount of outer-wear. I've been itching for a road trip for some time now and there's no better season than fall. The leaves are changing and everything becomes a mellow golden yellow. So this October, J-mizzie, myself and Nav are packing up the car and going upstate for some kind of "fest" whether it be apple, wine, beer, chestnut, or ginseng (oh yeah, there's a ginseng and herbal fest in the catskills). Along the way, we're meeting up with the Marks' (aka the LA formerly known as Wolf and Paul probounced Powl). I can just see it now, the five of us throwing around the football, beers in hand, laughing as we don some gloves as the sun goes down halfway through the 4th quater.....or you know, whatever. I've found a few, but if anyone knows a good Autumn festival, clue me in please.

Man Grows a Jaw in His Back, Has a Bratwurst to Celebrate

A German man lost his jaw to cancer so doctors grew a replacement jaw in his back, cut it out and inserted it in the vancant space. Yet, the man can't get dentures. It sounds to me like the proffessor from Gilligan's Island was working on him. That guy could make a radio with two coconuts and a leaf but he couldn't fix a two foot hole in a boat.

Riddicule IS Funny, Gosh.

This is why this girl writes for PaloAltoOnLine. Palo Alto Online? You've got to be kidding me.

TIna Come Get Some Ham!

Flippin' sweet. Here's a soundboard for one of the better movies in a while. Dig.

It's the Key to a Sublime Existence Fuck Face

Some people just don't get it. It amazing to me, really. Having a permanent soundtrack is the greatest thing ever. It's like being in a movie ALL THE TIME, which obviously rules. I'm always listening to music. I even sleep with music on. I've been working on my personal soundtrack for years and if I had my drothers, I'd be making soundtracks for a living. Though I don't have an iPod (becaue I'm way to lazy to down load my collection), I'm still pretty sure that these people are idiots. Yeah, you and you. (via stereogum)

Also. Gmail rules!

I'm Going to Confession Right After Work

I find it both frightening and disconcerting that a sign that the end of the world is near was only posted in Oddly Enough on Yahoo!. Shouldn't that shit be like headline news? But instead it's like "Oddly Enough, the wrath of God is coming"....wait, actaully, that is pretty funny.
Usually, on my way to and from this place I call work, I fantasize about blowing everyone away on kareoke night at Junno's with whatever song happens to be playing on my discman at that moment. Most of the time these fantasies involve some sort of dance routine and a back-up band usaully with me playing the tambourine. Sometimes, though, I upgrade myself to lead guitar. If Armegedon is coming, I'm SO playing lead guitar this afternnon. (I should stop doing this, for when I'm actually doing kareoke it's pretty much a given that I'm drunk, clutching a martini and a smoke trying to sing something impossibly out of my range and then I get sad that everyone didn't see the true talent that I have and the whole thing sort of takes on a rinse and repeat cycle). Look out for these guys, they may look like good conversationalists, but God help you if you're a leaf.

It Was Just a Suggestion

So I read several blogs in an effort to keep up on pop culture. One such blogger (G the B/F) had this to say in a recent post:

And bands. bands are dumb. rock'n'roll is fun, but its not important at all.

I rarely comment on other people's blogs but felt that this needed to be addresed. I suggested he start listening to Tull, the Dead, Bowie, Steely Dan, Yes, Rush. Here's what he had to say to me:

And as for real music? Fuck the Dead, fuck Yes, fuck Rush. neil pert? are you fucking kidding me? maybe if you got that fucking doobie out of your mouth, you'd realize how fucking shitty your advice is.

You might say, this guy just needs to get laid. But according to his blog, he gets laid all the time. So I have no diea what his problem is.

Classis Rock Rules. Betta ask somebody about it. What.

Jeddy D Places 4th in Athens

Jed and the Men's Foil Team came in 4th on Saturday, their best placement since 1956. So much best.

Decay

It appears that Modest Mouse, The Killers and The Walkmen are going to be on future episodes of the O.C. All I can say about that is SIGH.
Pete Bauer, basist for The Walkmen, has this to say about the upcoming project:
"The characters are opening a club — like the Peach Pit After Dark on '90210' — it's called the Bait Shop," "They wanted a band to open it up. So I think we're the first band at the Bait Shop."
If this is true, I'm moving to mars.
This is a formal appology for all the misspellings and word omitions that occur in each and every post on this blog. Actually, I was going to call this post DISINIGRATION but I'm not sure if that's the correct spelling and it would be really bad if I spelled the title of a post about misspellings wrong. Oh yeah and then there's the grammer. Really, this should be comforting to everyone as I'm constantly correcting people's grammer and pronounciation, causing them to spit in my face or tell me to fuck off. See, I'm not perfect after all (even though I did win the award for best editor of the F&M History Club Newsletter EVA).

Wyatt Wins GOLD (just as I thought)

YAY! Wayatt and the other members of the Men's Eight brought home the GOLD MEDAL yesterday. Some say biggest news this blog has ever seen (save for Coachella and the time that I got locked out of my appartment and decided it wouldn't be so bad to sleep on on the sidewalk at 6 in the mo'nin'). I can't post of picture at the moment cause my "computer" at "work" is a BITCH.
Biggest cheers EVA.

All of the Beautiful Colors are Very, Very Meaningful

Right. So I was at VirginMega today and Counting Crow's Greatest Hits was calling to me. Why, I have no idea. I bought it. I've never really liked them but there it was: the red and tangerine leaves on the jacket practically rustling in the wind. Oddly enough, I actaully know most of the songs on the album and it's kind of ok. It's a dangerous cd for me to own though. It's one of those cds I could put on, drink a bottle of wine, get all introspective (read: drunk) and then start calling people.

J and I have gotten are so fed up with the world of appartment hunting that we're spent. These people who try to show us places to live are so crazy (as I pointed out in a recent post). The Mizzie and I have taken to calling eachother through out the day pretending to be brokers. Here are some recent messages.

Me: Hallo. Eeet is Armagedon Sellmeakaabob. I have wonderfull 1 bed room that could be a flex 8. I have also many other wonderful things to be showing you.

J Mizzie: This is Piza Pizza. I have flex 3 bedroom. Shower in kitchen, save you time.

Clearly, we're bored. Though apparently not as bored as these people:
Bob Saget, Satan or Saint. You decide, if you dare.

I've Got Troubles

I used to rock Red lipstick all the time. I have many shades, my favorite being Ruby Woo. But for the last three years or so, I haven't been able to wear any of them. I feel like it looks strange. Nothing about my hair or face has changed in that time but somehow, it just doesn't work. I'm putting this on the top of my list of things I need to take care of because obviously, this is a major problem.

Guided By Voices (aren't we all)

Here's the deets. You should go, they're fabulous and it's free.
Thursday August 19
New York, NY - Hudson River Rocks Pier 54
Hudson River Park Public Pier 54 @ 7:00
13th St. & West Side Highway
Capacity: 7000 Age Limit: All
Ticket Price: FREE

And the requisit after party:
Tonic, (107 Norfolk St. b/w Delancy & Rivington)
Be there or be squizzie.

Paris Loses Dog;Terror Alert Rises to Red

A world in which a girl can lose a dog wearing pink sneakers is a world I don't want to live in. I just got off the phone with fellow former Pennsylvanian Tom Ridge and he states that in light of this lastest attack on American freedom, he's raising the Terror Alert to RED. I'm holing a candle light vigil for Tinkerbell at the Pet Co. in Union Square.

This is the reall terror alert level. I'll be sure and let y'all know if it cahnges.

Everybody's an Olympian

It appears that I know half the US Olympic Team (or at least two people). Two good friends of mine are competeing in this years games. Wyatt, picutured above just won the first heat in the Men's Eight. This means that next week they could win the GOLD. I was with him about three weeks ago. We were having dinner and I noticed that I was transfixed on what he was eating, even though we were having the same thing. I thought, "Can he eat that? Is he breaking some sort of strict diet?" Apparently not. It's crazy cause he's only been rowing since 1997. So he's pretty much the stizznizzle.

This Jed (aka Jeddy D). We went to High School together. Jed was also a champion soccer player so he ended up having to to chose between fencing and soccer. He chose the more romantic sport. I'd recall stories about Jed but I'll wait till after the games are over.

Really? Maybe You Should Get a Second Opinon

I've been trying to spend as much time with best evs The One and Only Panda as I can before she moves to HOTLANTA. Because of this I have met a few of her old friends. One such firend asked me out. I was going to elaborate on our time together because many funny things occured, but I think I can sum everything up in a conversation we had on that phone last week. Guy was having a problem with his ear. He went to the doctor. Diagnosis: He needs to stop having so much fun haning out with cute blonde girls. His resonse to the diagnosis: I don't care how much pain I'm in, she's too great a girl to stop seeing. I'm never calling him again.

Beautiful 1BR Flex 8

This morning as I sat in front of this box of parts some may refer to as a computer, and tried desperately not to look on craigslist. It's like a crack addiction. I have to look, and then I have to call up the Times and look there afterwhich I check out the "New and Noteworthy" at Ardorny. Hoping and praying that the perfect three bedroom has just been posted. Then I start making phone calls. The appartments they post are always taken but the kind brokers always have other places to show me, most of which do not meet our criteria, but we never find that out till we're actaully in the appartment because the brokers really don't like to give you much information about a place in an effort to trap you into a deal. Hoodwinkers, the lot of them.
Here's the latest crazy story invovling me and a broker. I goes something like this: Jen (broker) pickes me up in her Mitsubishi convertable. She drives like a maniac. She rear-ends a car on Broome St. but noting not damage, she waves at the driver and speeds off. She takes me to see crap appartments. I think she's high the whole time. She leaves me in the car while she gets some keys to an appartment she wants to show me as well as some "money some people owe me." We're parked illegally on Houston. I don't drive standard. TWO sets of police come by. I sweat profusly. Luckily, they dont' say anything to me and I'm left to wait anxiously for this crazy girl who wants to set me up with one of her friends cause she can tell I like "bad boys." She gets back in the car. She rolls a joint, smokes it and proceded to stuff her face full of chewy Japanese candies. She borrows five dollars in quarters from me. She begins to cry beacuse the "people who owe her money" didn't give it to her and now she can't make her car payment and her mom is sick and she has to suppoert her. I ask her to drop me off at the next corner.
I lasted till just about the bitter end with this person why? Because even though I knew right away she was a total nutcase, I thought, "What if she has a great listing, I don't want to miss out." That's how bad it is. By the way, the picture above? Not the place I'll be living in.

You Want Me To Do What Now?

Between the fifteen thousand hours a day that I spend looking for a place to live and and the the eight hundred hours I spend trapesing around the NYC looking at these crap dwellings, I haven't had time to update the world on the sights and sounds of my day to day in this fair city. But fear not, tomorrow I shall return with a full re-cap of my retardedness. In the mean time, contemplate this: yesterday, I saw a wmoan wipe a dog's ass after it took a shit.

Ding Chop

Tomorrow's An Evening With RUSH. The Jansens, The J-mizzie and I will be making the treck out to the "Land of No Alcohol" aka Jones Beach. This concert is sure to be retarded. I can't wait to check out the scene. I'll be Flying by Night and giving props to the Working Man, clearly.

I'm totally convinced that things are on the up and up around here. Thre are many reasons for this, but the biggest is this: Alf is getting his own talk show. The awsomeness of this is flipping overwhelmeing. Maybe this time, he'll answer my fan mail and not leave me out in the cold like he did when I was 8. But, it's made me stronger I think. [snapps to Grambo]

I went to see Napoleon Dynamite last night. Finally. I went by myself. My mom thought that was sad but I was like whateva I do what I want. Sometimes you gotta carpe diem. That's the what's up. So this is a fantastic movie. So much fun I highly reccomend going--then you can trade lines back and forth with your friends like I did over lunch today. Come to think of it, my whole "I do what I want" attitude is pretty much point on with what Napoleon is trying to do. Only and idiot wouldn't go see this movie, and no one wants to be an idiot.

A late dinner was had with The One and Only Panda aka Best Evs and The Sis Who Likes Greyhounds. Stories were swapped regarding last weeks Thursday Night Drunk Fest (Best) including the drunkness sticking arounf until late on friday afternoon. Don't call AOL when you're drunk. That's a PEARL from me to you. I had a drink last night called a Mist Connection. It was horrible. When I ordered it, it was simply for the name having no idea what as in it. It was like an Olf Fashioned gone horribly wrong. The bartender felt bad and so I got a different frink for free---something akin to a green strawberry. Whatever.
I was going to try and catch the Joshua Radin/Husky/Murray show tonight but I'm mad tired.
Oh and another PEARL: Never underestimate the power of Toad the Wet Sprocket

"Where did you go? I don't really give a shit"

OH MY GOD

Rick James is dead. Holy shit. More to come.

Love God; Get a Boat

Mrs. Marks (fka LA Wolf) is blessed. Somebody GAVE her a boat. I just spoke with her and she said and I quoth, "It's like I'm on vacation all the time." I'm really psyched for her and all of her happiness but I've totally figured out her scam. She and her husband run a Christian camp and therefore are ONE with the G-O-D. So I'm thinking, maybe if I start gonig to church and really asking myself, What Would Jesus Do? instead of looking for answers in the bottom of the gin bottle (which I'm still convinced works), I'd get a boat too. We'll see how this plan goes. Oh, it's gone.

Worst/Best

This is the best day EVA. No, really. I'm putting in my vote...this is the nicest day this whole year. I walked outside today and I was like wow. Then, I was like why am I going to work? The answer to that is I had this really "important" project to do for a guy named Tad.
So last night's "glass of wine" with Panda turned into an all out drunk fest. Complete with me talking nonsense to strangers and doing a bunch of shots. I had to take a cab to work because I was so effing late it was ridiculous. I drunk packed for my cocktail party across the River tonight. We'll see just how bad it is later. Basically, I'm still drunk. I smell like a liquor cabinet and I've already had to have several meetings with "important" people where I've had to smile and be really wnthusiastic about such things as chroning files. But I think being drunk kind of helped because otherwise I probably would have cried considering the the state of my affiars.
So I'm calming my nerves by listening to the DEAD. Always good. I tried to call a SKIP DAY at work. Everyone laughed like "oh Claire, you're such a funny trickster" (as opposed to a no good trickster). But I was serious. Oh and clearly I was making out with boys.

Celebrity News: Much More Important than the Type of Funeral I Want

Pssssst. Tom, you're gay. Just deal with it. It's cool.

William Hung debuts in Asia as Veruca Salt

This guy, also know as the Beenie Man, sings a song that goes like this:
Zagga zow, ziggy zow, zagga zow, anyhow, badman nah bow
Zagga zow, ziggy zow, zagga zow, anyhow Beenie Man and Mya deh yah now
Zagga zow, ziggy zow, zagga zow Neptune mek number one tune yo!!
Zagga zow, ziggy zow, zagga, ziggy zagga zeh zow zow

apparently, translated it means:
"that certain lyrics and recordings I have made in the past may have caused distress and outrage among people whose identities and lifestyles are different from my own."
"While my lyrics are very personal, I do not write them with the intent of purposefully hurting or maligning others, and I offer my sincerest apologies to those who might have been offended, threatened or hurt by my songs,"

Sit Me Up on the Juke Box When I Die

I Last night, I was watching a very provocative television program on PBS on "at home" burials (which, incidentally, does not necessarily mean being buried in the back yard, it simply means at home preparation of the body for burial). I've totally decided that this is the way for me. When I die, especially if it's in the near future, I don't want to be taken away in a body bag by strangers and then poked and prodded and filled with pickle juice. The program gave very graphic accounts of just how gruesome embalming is. For the most part, this practice is completely unnecessary as the body does not show any advanced signs of decomposition during the first few days after death; during a traditional morning period.
America has completely sterilized both the birth and death processes over the past hundred years turning what was once important familial rituals and practices into a non-participatory and morbid industry. I'd rather my friends and family gather around me in my own home where memories, tears and laughter have been shared as opposed to a cold funeral home parlor set up to look like someone's living room.
Further more, studies show that participation in the death process can ease the grieving period and provides a better sense of closure.
Unfortunately, "at home" burials are illegal in five states including New York, but work is being done to change that.
I'm going to start looking for hand made caskets. You're all invited. There will be liquor, clearly.