PEARLS

If hold out for a lap dance long enough at a strip club, you'll get one for free (read a magazine while your there--the girl may even pay you).

Mystic Weekend (aka Three Days Of Sobriety)

So this weekend, I went to study Yogalates with renouned Yogalates dude, Jonathan Urla. It was fabulous. I ate gruel and bark and cleansed my aura. It's the greatest thing ever because it strengthens both mind and body. I highly reccomend it. Go and live as you will, without damocles. Shanti.

Jump On This Home Slice

Yeah, that's right. The creator/producer/director of the soon to be smash hit Snake & Fizz has gotten the ultimate high score on Wagen Schenke. Jig it out. Glückwünsche!!! Larry. Ich Leibe Geschirr abwaschen mit Glitzy.

Some Days Are Diamonds, Some Days Are Rocks

Even I can't come up with PEARLS like that. No, they come from the throaty Southerner I like to call Tom Petty. I'm going to add Tom Petty to the list of things I'm bringing back for THE BIG BRING BACK not so much because he hasn't been along the whole time, but I feel that others have left him behind. Tom Petty rules, and he's dead sexy, but I mean that just goes without saying.

Rhymin' and Stealin'

Ask him about it...what.
DMX so BUSTED

In other, non-celebrity related news... so I sort of have an "assistant" now (yes, I realize how amusing this is). Yes, he just graduated from high school and is most definitly realted to one of the partners, and yea, he does provide me with entertainment. Most recently, his flirting with another high school graduate who is also related to a partner, has left me in stiches. Just now, they're talking about if the trains they take to work have bathrooms. Sure, they may be related ( I haven't been able to determin that as yet) but, you know, you've got to get it where you can....

Stop Effing with My Friend's Vacation Plans...Bastards

Ok. I love terrorism as much as anyone eles, but when the bus bombs start interfering with my homie's vacation agendas, well that's just busted. The One and Only Panda was supposed to leave tomorrow for Istambul to meet Spence (aka my best friend eva) and now, she can't go because people are blowing eachother up. Enough already. Some people want to hang out and get a tan for Christ sake. Bitches. Fucking amatures.

Still In His Youth

Happy Birthday Steve!

Today's Ass Award

Eminem 'ull make ya'...
This is how busted Eminem is:
In London, Eminem gave a $450,000 necklace to a fan in the front row of a concert. He had announced while from the stage that "I'm going to give this to the sexiest woman I see." (ok so this was two years ago today but I still think it's a great testiment to what a total wanker he is). I mean he just blew $450,000 on some girl when there are starving people in Detroit!
P.S. Slim Dumb-Ass you suck.

Not One, But TWO!

Tomorrow, the uncomparable Felix is blowing in from SF. This means drinking and singing at Junno's. It will be madness as Junno has promised me not one, but TWO bottles of the wolrd's best burbon whiskey: Pappy Van Winkle. They'll both be gone by the end of the night. I highly reccomend joining.

Yesterday, The Yorge and I saw the winner from American Idol at THE MEGA STORE (really it was more like Yorge pointing out to me that there was someone who might be the "winner" and me being like, "what? huh? what are you talking about?" and looking around, confused). yeah, it was exciting.

Say What?

Yesterday, this came from my mouth:
If everyone was a stalker, there'd be no bars. I think it's pretty profound. You make the connection.

I Don't Want to Live Without You

Foreigner will begin anew. We can all start living again, for real. I bet it feels like the first time, the very first time.

The Big Bring Back

I'm bringing back the word busted as in uncool or unexceptable.
Jarratt is bringing back bite as in to steal or copy.
What are you bringing back? Everyone has to bring back something as this is The Big Bring Back. Betta ask somebody about it. What.

Self Help Links for the Ridiculous

What to do with that fabulous pipe.

How can I bring out my inner disgruntled postal worker?

This Is What I'm Talking About

This is the what's up.

This Is What I'm Talking About

This is the what's up.

Too Many Gimlets..Ain't It Always the Way/The Hottest Guy in Universe: Is He Gay? The World May Never Know/Why Would You Ask Me I Have a Sesspool?

Last night was mass amounts of fun. Cousin Elaine called me out of the blue and invited me to an exhibit. It was fabulous. A provocative instalation/performance piece that incorperated both phtogaraphy, spoken word and neon (obviously). At this exhibition between Park and Mad. there also happened to be the most ridiculously hot guy eva. I couldn't help but stare, and then to wonder "is he gay?" because everone else there was. Unfortunately, I wasn't given the chance to work my magic on this mec as we were shuffled out so the artists to disrobe and put on street clothes, super ultra never emerged. Hmmmmm. Anyway, he didn't really look like the guy in the photo above but sort of; and whatevs, he's hot too. Later, I rationalized that he probably wasn't for me anyway as he may have been too artsy. I've done artsy. They're even more on the outskirts of reality than I am so it just doesn't work.
Did I emntion that the exhibit was really interesting?
Then I had to meet some old chums from school. Elaine came with. Too much alcohol was comsumed. There was drama. There was a dancing Rhodes Scholar who looked like a silly owl (description via Elaine). There were attempted smooches. Thre was an incident I can't recall in Duane Reade involving a janitor. Basically, it was Thursday.

Tonight I'm going to a fabulous restaurant opening with The One and Only Panda. They're sending a stretch Hummer for us (and by that I mean we're taking the subway). At the moment, I'm burning with anticpation. Dinners with Pands (or anything with pands really) are always top notch--never a dull moment. It will most def be fab.

Then it's off. To the Franz Ferdinand show in B-lyn. Which has been moved BACK TO VOLUME. The Yorge will be there and fabulous Rob will be in from DC. There will be dancing. And I'm sure there will be drama but hopefully only the good kind.
P.S. Franz Ferdinand the band comes up on Google BEFORE the real Franz Ferdinand. This world is nuts.

Rule # 1: Shut the Fuck Up

This morning I was reading the "news" on MSN. One of the top features was entitled "5 Questions Every Man Dreads." Here's what I learned. Don't ask questions. Not ever.
For more advice. Go to these people. The Rules. I've read this book. It's super-ultra-mega.

The only rule one should really follow is this. Wear a horses head at Thanksgiving and eat out of a feedbag (this is something the J-Razzle and I came up with to describe how Quakers celebrate Thanksgiving---but it's sort of morphed into meaning drunk)and if he/she calls back, he's/she's a keeper.

Betta Put Yo' High Heels On and Do Somethin' About It

So tomorrow night's Franz Ferdinand show at VOLUME has been moved to WARSAW. This is lame because if it weren't for the Yorge and his special friends, I never would have known. But they're hot. And they're from across the pond. So i guess I'll put my high heels on--and the something I'll do about it is DANCE.

Next Week I'll Be Pitching a Reality Show that Choses the Leader for the Next Totalitarian Government

You've got to be kidding me. It's shit like this that makes me want to move to outter space or at least North Dakota.

You Live, You Learn, You Marry a Hottie You Met Over the Internet

Did anyone else know that Alanis was 30? I thought she was alot older than that. Well, the girl with one hand in her pocket ( and I presume it was the left hand since I've been told that if you're over 28 and haven't marched down the aisle of false expectations you're doomed since guys will know "something's wrong with you")can take it out and show the world her ring cause she's marrying Van Wilder. Brava Alanis! You've given stringy haired girls with bad teeth over 28 hope for a life of marital bliss. AND you met him over the Internet. AAAAAWWWWWW.

You're Only a Day Away

Today I saw this girl almost get hit by an ambulance. Tomorrow there will be fun stuff complete with pictures. But not of the girl almost getting hit by the ambulance. I mean fun stuff like stupid crap in the media and hot guys I spot on the subway (which, by the way, there have been an over abundance of lately---can you say summer internships....). And clearly there can be no pictures of the girl almost getting hit by the ambulance cause I don't have a camera phone, or a digital camera or the ability to predict girls almost getting hit by ambulances, so no, there will be none of that.

The End of an Era

Baby, please don't go.

But I Thought Y'all Only Ate Brown Rice and Superfood

The show last night was good, even though I didn't meet the rock star of my dreams....

I did however de-boat with a riddle. Clearly, I know the answer since I'm the Sphynx...but I challenge you to take a stab at it.

Hipsters are sallow, their limbs thin like Tiggy's.
So how can they gorge on cheese-steaks like piggies? (Especially since they've ALL read Fast Food Nation, I mean please)

Today I Was Litening to Stellastarr* and "Jenny" Came On. Just Then, I Looked Over and Saw This Guy that Had a "Jenny" Tattoo

Maybe it's because you live in a place called Peculiar. Duh.

We're getting married next week. We're registered at Astor Place Liquors.

Today's "Oh My God, Shut the Fuck Up Award" goes to:

"It takes too much energy to be a bad girl. There's definitely a part of me that would love to be not completely sensible, responsible, ethical, moral and driven. Just for one day I'd like to go out and do stupid, crazy things and not care whether it were safe or not. But I couldn't. It's just not me."
--Actress JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT in the New York Daily News.


This morning I was talking to Stelz about the death of President Nixon, as we often do. She asked me when he died and I speculated that it was a few years ago. It has just come to my attention that he died in 1994. Which brings me to this: What in God's name have I been doing for the last ten years?

I'm convinced tonight's the night I'm going to meet a famous rock star and begin a tored love affair. At least that's what I'm thinking.

!!! Tomorrow= It'll Be Better Around Here

I'm seeing !!! play on a boat tomorrow. This means funny things will happen since drinking and boating will be involved. Already The Yorge and I have come up with some funnies just in case I happen to get drunk (cause, you know, it's hard to bolt from the middle of the East River) like-- "Can somebody call the Coast Guard? I gotta get outta here..." "Is there a dingy I can borrow?" "I'm a really good swimmer, I know I can make it..."

In other news, Aran had a fabulous party on Saturday. And by fabulous, I mean many kinds of baked goods AND mango juice. Also by fabulous I mean by the end of the night, I was saying things like "Holy shit! They're playing Tom Petty! I was just listening to Tom Petty earlier...I mean for real I haven't listed to him in years...I swear...how fucked up is that...I can't believe it...what are the odds...oh my God they're playing Tom Petty...."
Right.
I attribute this not only the the champers had before dinner and the mass quantity of drinks consumed chez Aran but to the various "people" (and by "people" I mean lads I've smootched lately) I randomly saw along my jouneys that evening. One of whom was, unbenounced to me, witness to this conversation outside a bodega:

ME: Oh my God Jules, do you remember this place? We were so drunk here...remember?
THE JULES: Oh yeah...wasn't that the night we came to get ice and you smashed it all over the ground and yelled at people?
ME: Noooooo? Me????
(Turning and seeing guy)
Me: Heeeeeyyyyy. (High-Five hand clasp!!!!!! what????? Hive Five hand clasp???).

Even our Music Heros Say Jackass Things

"This is the most punk-rock major label record I've been involved with."
-- DUFF MCKAGAN, former Guns N' Roses bass player, on the debut album by his new band, Velvet Revolver.

Do You Know Why You're so Dumb? Cause You're Stupid.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day walking around with my shoes on the wrong feet. I did something eles that was really stupid too but I can't remember. So today, this blog will be dedicated to stupid things...not unlike myself.

Stupid Signs:
There is a road sign near Cape Cod, Massachusetts that declares:
"CAUTION - WATER ON ROAD DURING RAIN

"WHAM for kids, a child abuse foundation."

Stupid vs. The Computer
Co-Worker #1: "A boolean variable has two possible values: true or false."
Co-Worker #2: "Umm...true?"

Customer: "I want to get the new Netscape from you people."
Tech Support: "I'll need to charge your account $30."
Customer: "What do you mean? I pay for this service."
Tech Support: "We're providing the registered version of Netscape. Netscape charges us, so we have to charge you."
Customer: "Well, my son is a socialist and I spent a year in Spain. What do you have to say to that?"
Uh....
Customer: "I thought so." [click]

Stupid Laws:
This one comes from Anniston, AL. I should have been arrested... You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. --Texas

Clearly, this law is not enforced Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.--San Francisco

Even My Car is Stupid (bumper stickers)
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now. (actually, I kind of like this one)

Shut up brain or I'll poke you with a Q-tip!!

Please don't tell my Mama that I work on an oil rig... She thinks I'm a piano player in a whorehouse.

Thank you Tipsy McStagger for those parting words...

The Thin White Duke Brings Hope

I went to see David Bowie on Friday. David Bowie is a Rock God. I can barely begin to explain the energy that surrounded this show. But I'm going to give it a whirl (and in doing so, I'm going to sound remarkably like a whacked out crystal clenching non showering date eating doesn't believe in Western medicine passivist, but you know, whatevs).
Here's the set-list as best as I can remember (there may be flaws as I was preoccupied with my aura and the girl in the pink bunny costume)
Rebel Rebel
New Killer Star
Reality
Cactus
All The Young Dudes
China Girl
I've Been Waiting For You
Slip Away
Days
Modern Love
The Loneliest Guy
The Man Who Sold The World
Hallo Spaceboy
Sunday
Under Pressure
Life On Mars?
Ashes To Ashes
White Light, White Heat
I'm Afraid Of Americans
"Heroes"

Encore:

Hang On To Yourself
Five Years
Suffragette City
Ziggy Stardust

His performance was flawless. He was beautiful. Seeing a truly amazing artist like Bowie gives me hope that there is still some humanity on this earth; that there is still some culture, art and creativity that stems less from from imitation and more from a truly living soul. While he was playing, the mood at Jones Beach was one of awe, inspiration, adoration and community. And I thought if we could all do away with the bitterness, greed, self doubt, anger, selfishness and blame that seems to plague our lives and this world, just for a moment, we'd see how unimportant and insignificant we are as individuals and how great we could become if we just listened to eachother and took responsibility for ourselves, our neighbors our firends and our loved ones.

Shit, I Left My Glitter Space Boots at Home

.
No, I'm serious, I really did.
So I've been slacking in a major way on this blog thing. I could say it's because I was in St. Tropez Christening my new yaght (ask sombody about it. what.) But that wouldn't be entirely true. The reality of it all is that I've been glued to the nytimes and craigslist trying to find The Luxury Sky Pad East. It's a serious bitch but it'll be worth it.

Ok, so last night I got drunk and sang "I Will Survive" very poorly. But that's pretty much par for the course. Some of you have brought it to my attention that I haven't been making out with strangers as much as I used to. You're so wrong about that. I have been. Oh yes, I have. And I have the random business cards to prove it.

I had a wonderful time last night with Schmoops. We went to Sweet and Vicious and I learned alot of very useful information--but that's always the case. Like for example did you know that Guiness is actually a pretty light beer? Here, I always thought that it was like a roast turkey dinner. But check it out the next time you order a black and tan---the Guiness floats to the top. Groovy.
PEARLS
Don't get caught fucking a hen, you could wind up hanging from a tree.
Don't move to Russia if you're a lady--you'll have to give up short skirts and Tammy Fay make-up so the mens don't start howling at the moon.

I'm seeing Bowie tonight at Jones Beach. It should be most excellent. And clearly my face will be a mess.

Buy the WONDERSTUFF. You'll love it most def.

The Jansens is from Appleton. His town ruined the mystery behind Houdini and in doing so, has rocked the worl of prestidigitation. We're going to stone him when he comes back from the Cote D'Azure. Just kidding love. BRING BACK SMARTIES!!!

Dude, How have We Not Figured Out What the Birds are Saying?

The Jizzie turned to me on Sunday evening as we stood on Bare Rocks on the Appalachion Trail and asked this question. I ahven't a clue. Do you? (p.s. this bird is called the Least Bittern, which I think is cool)

Ok. So thursday I got drunk with some sailors and sang "Tempted." Jansens was thenonly one who clapped. Thanks doll. Blackout Dan was there(obviously) and tried to instigate a fight with the sailors by threatening to punch me and then fart in my face. But instead of fighting, we did some tequela shots instead. Then I went home and drunk packed. It's become a favorite past-time of mine, though I don't recomend trying it--it's a disapointing game.
Then it was off to A-town. here we relaxed, did some hiking and went to an arts festival. Oh yeah, and then we got insanely wasted. Duh.
Blair, the coolest guy ever, came to celebrate Memorial day at the homestead. Blair is from England. Blair is sophisticated and drinks tea so my mom was very excited to show off her tea collection. More later. I have to go look a t appartments---bummer.